When there are so many emotions piling up and I don’t know what to do with them, this becomes the most viable and favourable end product of my choosing. Word-porn.
My quasi-wisdom side resurfaces with a hefty mighty slap on the table, unusually loud enough to garner people’s attention.
Do I like it? No. But my outlet seemingly, is to put said perspectives in writing so my thoughts and feeling arrive at the ability to process the reality presenting itself.
Here we are again. Hurt that is waving its unignorable presence my way.
Hurt to the point of no laugh. Hurt to the point of numbed pain. Hurt to the point of no cry. Hurt to the point of no care. Hurt to the point of apathy. Hurt to the point of isolation. Hurt to the point of never is there enough sleep to make it go away.
An imbalance that cannot be ignored. The scales of emotional balance that tipped yet again against the too many grains of hope placed on the one side. A leap of faith, a chance called out that I leaned into.
I placed 4 weights on the right and balanced it out with my own weight on the left, that was just about enough to keep things afloat. I attempted to lift the side of my weight a bit and fell flat on the floor.
Rattling up after the fall is always such a process. Regaining consciousness, realizing and identifying what was damaged, collecting the shambles and figuring how to reconstruct the balance yet another time and building it up with thousands of trials to keep the weights at the scale balanced again.
In the attempt of trying, there is a narrow path that with pitfalls at each side of the path – pain and burn – hand in hand with self-pity and humbling endurance.
Yet again, we are humans. On our way back we will tilt and fall to one side or another at least once each, whilst we try to crawl back to stay the course on our path. The longer the path may seem, the more taxing it becomes to crawl back amd walk a straight line again.
The will to take a risk to have the scales unbalanced gets smaller and smaller, because you know how hard it was to retain and restore the balance. Then what ? Yes, it takes more convincing to take the risk again. To allow the imbalance to create a new balance.
Though earlier this week I spoke about the conversion of energy from negative events to become a fuel to move forward and up with full humility, this skill has not yet re-manifested completely in my current skills set. That skill is still rusty, and needs a bit more practise and tending in order to function.
It’s hard not to fall into self-pity. It’s hard not to fall into a state of craze, knowing that you have to look composed to run the everyday, yet with the heart and mind as heavy as piles of stones – knowing that only you alone can ultimately regulate yourself, and knowing that for all actions taken you gotta face the music as much as you wish to avoid it?
Do I still want to give or take chances, do I still want to give the benefit of a doubt? As long as I am in shackles, limited of my movements, i will likely cave.
This is all energy that is left. To sustain, to move forward, to walk through the tunnel towards the light.
Maybe one day I reach the end of this steep path to get to crossroads that are eventually easier to navigate. Until then, I pray that I keep my wits together and that my survival instincts keep me on the right way – or at least the most viable way from the impossible choices.
Viennita - From Vienna to Jakarta 